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XX: Almost Home
I opened my eyes and squinted for a moment. It was still dark and I didn’t hear any noise or anything. I looked down at my Indiglo watch that I had fell asleep in. Come to think of it, I had fallen asleep in my entire outfit. I pressed the button to illuminate it and read the time: 3:45 AM. I yawned and stretched. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I slipped quietly out of my bunk and headed for the little kitchen.
After
the teeny mag interview we drove to Miami and then we had rehearsals and sound
checks all day until concert time. I sat in the sound booth with Mom and Avie
and Zoë. It really is kinda fun. I still hadn’t had the heart to tell Adriann
and Lucille and Marie and Elizabeth that I wasn’t coming back. I didn’t know
how I could after how I had complained about all this to them. I had asked Aunt
Kate not to tell them, I wanted to tell them myself. But dang, it was gonna be
hard.
I
walked into the kitchen and started to turn right back around and leave again.
“Jessica?”
I
wheeled around slowly and turned to face Zac.
“Uh,
it’s okay, I just couldn’t sleep, but I’m leaving now.”
I
turned around again and was halfway out the door when I felt his hand on my
shoulder.
“I’m
sorry.” I froze. It took a lot for Zac to apologize; he was very stubborn.
“No,
I’m sorry,” I said, turning around. “You shouldn’t have to apologize, it’s not
your fault. It’s my fault. I’ve been stupid.”
“No
you haven’t.”
We
sat down at the table and I popped a cookie into my mouth.
“Name
five things I’ve done in the past day that haven’t been stupid.”
“Sit
in the sound booth with Mom, wake Ike and Tay up late so they don’t look good…”
I laughed a little at that.
“Still,
though, that’s only two. And I have been stupid lately.”
“It’s
not stupid. It’s perfectly understandable.”
I
looked up at him, amazed for a moment. But then I looked back down at my hands.
“No
it’s not. I’ve been rude and mean and selfish and stupid…”
“We
all have. It’s not just you. I think we’re all just tired lately. We haven’t
been home in three or four months.”
“I
haven’t been home in two or three years,” I said quietly, looking down at my
hands.
I
don’t think he had even thought about it, because after I said it, he was quiet
for a few minutes.
“Yeah,
but that doesn’t matter now,” he whispered, trying to get me to look at him.
“Does
it?” I said, finally looking back, “I could go back to Arkansas and forget all
this. I could quit while I’m ahead.”
“Don’t
do that to yourself. You already know you made your decision.”
“I
know,” I said, tears brimming my eyes. “I wanna be home.”
“You
want to go back to Arkansas?” he asked. Surprisingly, he didn’t sound upset.
“No,”
I said, meeting his eyes finally. “I wanna be at home. Really at home.”
He
just stared at me for a minute.
“Tulsa?”
I
nodded.
He
stood up and hugged me and I hugged him back. I tried hard not to cry. I really
did. But I couldn’t help it.
“Mom
said we’re going home in a week,” he said quietly while we were still hugging.
“Really?”
I said, pulling away and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Yeah,
she thinks it’ll be best for everyone.”
“It
will be,” I said, nodding to emphasize it.
“I
can’t wait to get home,” Zac said. “It’s been forever.”
“Yeah,”
I said, “forever.”
He
smiled and put his arm around me.
“Come
on, we better get back to bed.”
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Next
day. Concert in Charlotte. I felt a lot better know. Zac and I were on good
terms again, and we were going home next week…I couldn’t wait. But first, I had
one thing to do.
I
opened my email on the laptop backstage. I had opted to stay backstage tonight
to do just what I was doing right now: email my friends. I took a deep breath
and clicked ‘Compose’.
Note: Once again, all email addresses are fake to the extent of
my knowledge. Do not attempt to contact them.
From: “Jessica” < 2good2b4gotten@hotmail.com >
To: “Adriann” < Adri20388@aol.com > “Lucille”
< ilovelucille@yahoo.com >
“Elizabeth” < hanson4life098@aol.com
> “Marie” < hansonchick567@hotmail.com
>
Subject: (none)
Date: Monday, July 7, 2000 20:35:32
CST
Hey you guys!!! I just wanted to email
you all to tell you something. I know that my aunt probably told all you guys
that I would be back next week. Well. . . I won’t. I decided that I want to
stay here. I know I must sound like the biggest hypocrite in the world to you
guys, but this is what I decided. I still want to be friends with you guys.
Besides, Tulsa is only about two hours from Fort Smith. I miss you guys a bunch
and can’t wait to hear from you.
Jessica Grace Hanson
I don’t
know why I signed my full name to it. I guess cuz I had always been Anna Lawyer
to them, and I wanted to always be Jessica Hanson from now on. I had been a
little nervous about sending this to them before, but now I realize that if
they get mad at me, they’re not my friends. But I know they’ll understand.
Maybe sometime they can come visit me…