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XIX: The Beginning of the End
“I don’t really mind what happens now and then, as long as you’ll
be my friend at the end…” ---3 Doors Down, Kryptonite
Flip, Infomercial, flip, trashy, rejected soap opera, flip, infomercial, flip, commercial for Hair-B-Gone, flip, rerun of the Brady Bunch. I settled for that and set the remote down at my side. It was post-concert, and I was hopelessly trying to find something to watch on TV. Note to all you people out there: there is nothing on TV at 11:00 at night.
Anyway,
Mom certainly was surprised when I asked to go with her. I don’t even really
know why I said it. Not that I didn’t have a good time. I had a great time. It
reminded me so much of how things used to be, and I wished things could be that
simple again. Mom told me in between songs, that she had been pretty sure I
would want to go back to Arkansas, so she had basically told Aunt Kate to get
ready for me. So by now, all my friends would be expecting me back. How would I
explain to them that I had chosen to stay after all the stuff I had told them?
But
I tried not to think about that while I stood in the sound booth and listened
to my brothers perform. It was all so familiar to me; it almost felt as if
nothing had ever change. Almost.
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So
now, here I am, watching Marcia Brady get over having braces. They’re special,
fast-magic braces: the one-episode-only kind. I’m thinking about what I’m going
to say to Zac. Because I know he’ll be here as soon as the meet-and-greet and
stuff is over. Only problem is, I don’t know what he’s going to say.
The
Brady Bunch went to commercial and my curtain flew open, startling me.
“Zac,”
I said, sitting up and switching the TV off, “you scared me.” He didn’t reply.
Instead, he climbed into my bunk and pulled the curtain closed behind him.
“We
need to talk.”
“Okay…”
I said a little uneasily, “what’s up?” I plastered my famous fake smile on my
face. He gave me a look that said he wasn’t buying it, and the smile melted
from my face.
“What
the hell are you doing, leaving like that?” Zac said, his eyes challenging.
“What
do you mean?”
“Today,
this morning, whatever. Just leaving. No particular reason. A ‘maybe I’ll come
back, maybe I won’t’ sort of thing.”
“What??
Why wouldn’t I come back?”
“Because
you never wanted to be here in the first place. That was your chance and you
saw it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if you hadn’t come back.”
For
the first time in a while, I found myself speechless. Finally, I came up with
something. It was lame, but I had to say something.
“Oh,
and you think I was going to walk all the way back to Arkansas?”
“There
are other ways of getting there.”
“Yeah,
like what??”
“I
know you’re not stupid.”
“That’s
right, I’m not. And I still have no idea why you’re doing this.”
“Doing
what?”
“Acting
like I was going to leave or something. I could leave if I wanted to. I could
go back to Arkansas and forget about you. But I’m not doing that, am I?”
“What
are you talking about?”
“Mom
told me I could go back to Arkansas if I wanted to. And you know what? Do you
know what Zac?? I told her no.”
I
could see the confusion on his face. Without another word, he slipped out of
the bunk. Before he left, I said, just loud enough for him to hear:
“That’s
right. Just walk away. Just walk away.” He didn’t do anything, but I know he
heard me.
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I
sighed as I pulled a brush through me hair and grabbed a ponytail holder and
stuck it around my wrist as I started to braid my long hair. I stopped and
stared at myself in the mirror for a minute. I could hardly remember what I
looked like with brown hair.
I
wasn’t sure if that was a good thing, or a bad thing.
I
walked out of the bathroom in my pajamas, still braiding my hair. As I walked
past the back lounge, someone called my name.
Taylor
was on the floor in front of the TV, playing a video game, and Isaac was on the
couch, holding a controller, but I don’t think he was playing. I looked around
quickly. No Zac. Good.
“Hey,”
I said, trying to sound happy, but failing miserably.
“Have
you seen Zac?” Taylor said from his position on the floor. “We haven’t seen him
all night. Or heard him.”
I
finished braiding my hair and swiftly secured it with the ponytail holder
around my wrist.
“Um,
I think he’s…asleep or something.” That caused them both to look at me. Zac
rarely went to bed before 12:30 or 1:00, and sometimes not until long after
that. I think everyone had failed to understand how he got up at the crack of
dawn.
“What?”
I said, as they kept staring at me. I slumped down on the couch next to Isaac.
“I didn’t tell him to go to bed.”
“Jessie,
Zac never goes to bed before 12:30. It’s only 11:45.”
“Well,”
I muttered, “it’s certainly none of my business.”
“Are
you like, mad at him or something?” Taylor said, starting his video game again.
“Well,
no…not really.”
“What
happened?”
“Nothing.
He just got a little upset and I got a little mad and he left. I don’t know
where he is.”
“What’d
he get upset about?” Isaac looked skeptical.
I
shrugged.
“I
really don’t know,” I lied. Isaac put his arm around me. They accepted it.
I
felt a little bad lying. I mean, I had hardly spoken to Isaac and Taylor since
returning to Arkansas. They were always busy, or something. And when they
hadn’t been busy, I had been too stubborn to be kind. I felt really bad now.
“Actually,”
I said quietly, “he was kinda mad at me for leaving today. Then he got upset
when I told him Mom told me I could go back to Arkansas if I wanted.”
I
had spoken really softly, but they had heard me, and after I finished the room
was completely silent. They just stared at me, shocked.
“What’d
you say?” Taylor asked, just loud enough for me to hear.
I
looked down at my hands and very quietly, almost inaudibly said, “No.”
The
room was noiseless; but after a few minutes I heard Taylor get up and sit down
on the other side of me. He put his arm around me and I looked up, just the
littlest bit cautious. He smiled at me, and I smiled back.
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That
night, in the lounge, I finally felt comfortable. I didn’t feel upset or unhappy,
or jealous as I had so many times before. All the other feelings melted away,
and I didn’t care anymore. Because now, at least three people besides Mom and
Dad knew that I’d rather be here with my family than back in Arkansas with the
false life and family I had created for myself. But most of all, I
finally knew, once and for all, that I would stay here. This was where I should
be, and this was where I was going to be.
I
fell asleep in between Isaac and Taylor around 12:30. It felt good in between
the two of them. Maybe it’s because the two of them had been most of the reason
I had left in the first place, and doing this with them and being with them
felt like I was making amends for all my mistakes. I wished that it could last
forever, but Mom had told us all to be up and ready by 7:00 the next morning
cuz the guys had an early interview before we headed for Miami.
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My
eyes opened and the ached a little at first from the bright sunlight streaming
in from the big window on the far side of the room. Hey, wait. I didn’t have a
window in my bunk. Oh yeah. I was in the lounge, nestled in between Isaac and
Taylor. We were supposed to be up and ready by seven. Especially Ike, Tay, and
Zac. If it was already so bright outside, what time was it?
“Shoot,”
I said, grabbing someone’s watch off of the table and trying to make my mind
make sense of the numbers and lines. 6:45. 6:45?? 6:45!!!
“Isaac,
Ike, wake up!!” I shoved him around a few times.
“Taylor,
wake up!!” I punched him in the arm a few times.
“Jessie??
What the hell?” That was Isaac.
“Huh?”
Taylor.
“Wake
up Taylor, it’s 6:45!!”
“6:4-WHAT??”
“Get
ready. Hurry.” I dashed out of the room and scurried to get ready.
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I
yanked a brush through my hair and pulled it up quickly. I took a few deep
breaths and made it look like I had been up at least half an hour instead of
fifteen minutes.
“Not
bad for getting ready in fifteen minutes,” I murmured softly to my reflection.
Seeing how Ike and Tay turned out looking was going to be humorous. I walked
out of the bathroom towards the kitchen and ran smack dab into Zac. I looked up
and met his eyes. He looked tired, like he had stayed up all night.
“Mornin’,”
I said quietly and hurried to the kitchen.
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I
listened to the sounds of my brothers talking with some interviewer for a teeny
magazine and Mack and Avie playing something in a corner of the room as I
waited for the computer to connect to the internet. I needed to check my email.
I got to my inbox and looked down the list of messages. Only five. One from
Adriann, one from Lucile, one from Elizabeth, one from Marie, and one from Aunt
Kate. I sighed and started at the top.
Note: Once again, all email addresses are fake to the extent of
my knowledge. Do not attempt to contact them.
From: “Adriann” < Adri20388@aol.com >
To:
“Jessica” < 2good2b4gotten@hotmail.com
>
Subject: Hey!!
Date: Sunday, July 6, 2000 23:34:46
CST
Hey Jessica!!!
So, how’ve you been doing?? I got your
email a few days ago, but I didn’t have time to reply till now. That’s pretty
neat about how you get to go all these places and stuff, even if it does suck
that your brothers kinda get all the attention. It’s still kinda neat, isn’t
it?? Anyway, I miss you a lot. It seems like you’ve been gone years already.
Oh-I hafta go, Tim wants the computer and Mom says I have to give it to him.
For what I don’t know. He’s five. Anyway, TTYL!!!
Adriann
PS. Isn’t your birthday soon?
My birthday?? Yeah, I guess so. A few weeks. I
smiled. It was nice to hear from Adriann, but I would reply later. I had
similar emails from Lucille, Elizabeth, and Marie, but I didn’t want to read
them right now. I skipped straight down to the one from Aunt Kate.
From: “Kate Lawyer” < katelawyer@hotmail.com >
To: “Jessica Hanson” < 2good2b4gotten@hotmail.com >
Subject: Re: I’m sorry
Date: Sunday, July 6, 2000 7:22:12 CST
Dear Jessica,
I forgive you. I know that this was
hard for you. But you parents and I have spoken and if you would like to come
back to live with me and your Uncle Tom, both your parents and your uncle and I
will be happy to accommodate that. I love you and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Aunt Kate
I blinked
to hold back tears as I hit ‘Reply’. Somehow, though, through it all I heard my
brothers’ voices as they answered questions.
“So,” the interviewer was saying, “you have four
younger siblings?” They nodded and said ‘yes’ simultaneously.
“And you all get along pretty well?” I could hear Isaac
and Taylor jump and say that we did, and blah, blah, blah. But I could feel
Zac’s eyes on my back. I tried to shake off the feeling as I began to tell my
aunt that I loved her and that I really appreciated everything she had done for
me, but no thank you, I was staying right where I was.