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I sat on the couch in the dressing room. I stared desperately at my book. I was trying to read. I wasn’t having much luck. It was 7:30. Only half an hour. I could hear the fans from here. I shifted in my seat and sighed. No way this was going to work. Just then, Mom walked in with one of our many cell phones. She was chattering away with someone. She was also looking for something. Probably someone’s shirt or something for Mackie to eat. I listened hard to try and pick out a name or some clues as to who it might be. Unfortunately, I found what I was looking for. It was Aunt Kate. I closed my book quietly. I tried to listen as inconspicuously as I could. Mom hadn’t even noticed me yet.
“Oh, yes, she’s doing fine. Zac and Mackenzie got her up this morning. But I’m not sure she would have gotten up if it weren’t for them.” My face burned with a mixture of fury, guilt, and shame. I would too have gotten up!
There was a pause. As Aunt Kate, I suppose, said something.
“I don’t know,” Mom replied after a minute. “She’s been perfectly kind to everyone. So far, I haven’t heard a nasty word out of her mouth. Haven’t hardly heard a word out of her at all!” Another pause.
This was like watching a very suspenseful and scary, yet really, really bad movie. I could hardly stand it. What was she saying?? Mom wasn’t being mean or rude or trying to do anything but figure me out. I wasn’t so sure about Aunt Kate, though. She and I hadn’t ever made up after that fight, what was that, only a day ago? It seems like an eternity.
Mom was talking again.
“I can tell they’re all very anxious just to have everything back the way it was. But Jessica, she’s still so …so…she’s wanting to go back to the way things were a month ago. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing, though. I know that all the kids missed her all these years. I just don’t know…” I couldn’t believe she still hadn’t noticed me! But that was enough. I might cry or something if I stayed. I stood up, dropping my book on the couch and ran out the door. I didn’t care how loud it slammed. Suddenly, it was all baring down on me. I couldn’t take it anymore. Adriann and Aunt Kate had been right! They did miss me! They did love me! They did care about me! Why did I have to be so unbelieving? Where was Zac? I had to talk to him. Right now. I had to tell him I was so sorry and that I really did care. That I was just stupid and ignorant and jealous and careless of others’ feelings before. I couldn’t find him anywhere! He’s not in any of the dressing rooms or the main backstage area! WHERE WAS-
My thoughts were cut of by loud screams and the sound of my brothers’ voices. I stopped dead still. Was it 8 already? It couldn’t be! No, I had to talk to Zac! This concert won’t be over for at least two hours, and then he won’t want to talk because he’ll be really tired. No. Great. I would have to wait till morning. Would I feel the same way then? My mood seemed to be changing a lot lately. In the morning, I might feel like the total opposite of this! Once again, great. Joy in the morning. I giggled at the thought. Adriann said that all the time. Adriann! That was it! Tay was on stage, I could use his laptop! I grabbed it from the nearby table and plugged it in. I clicked my way into email and logged into my address.
Hey Adriann!
What’s up? NMH. Right now, I am sitting
backstage in some auditorium or something in the middle of Memphis. Memphis!
We’re already in Memphis! Can you believe it? Anyway, I’m actually having a
teeny tiny bit of fun. Now I remember why I held it together as long as I did.
Zac and Mackie are so sweet. Not that Tay and Ike and Avie and Zoë aren’t, and
I hate to say it, but Zac and Mack were always kinda my favs. :) Anyway, even
though I’m gonna email them too, tell everyone hi for me and give Aunt Kate a
big- Wait. Scratch that part about Aunt Kate. Anyway, tell everyone hi for me.
Cya.
Hugs’n’kisses,
Jessie
I shut
down the laptop and put it back down on the table after emailing Lucy and
Elizabeth and Marie and everyone else. I tried to make that fact that I was
now, in fact, backstage at a Hanson concert, scarce to Marie and Elizabeth. I
stared down at my hands for a few minutes, wondering what to do. I knew the
only reason Mom hadn’t found me yet was because I was right backstage. I could
practically see the freckles on the side of Zac’s face. And the last place
they’d ever look for me was back here. Besides, Mom and Dad were probably out
in the audience. But I knew she had been looking for me. I knew she knew I
heard all that stuff she said to Aunt Kate about me. But the one thing she
didn’t know that I did was how I felt about what she said. Fact was, what she
said made me feel horribly guilty. And for some reason, even though I had
really wanted to, I hadn’t been able to explain it to Adriann or anyone else.
It was weird.
I stood
up, trying not to twist my hands into Play-Doh. That was my worst habit. When I
was nervous, I twisted and twisted and wrung my hands until they were bright
red.
I stood
on the very edge of the stage, where I knew that no one in the audience could
see me, but Zac or Tay or Isaac could if they looked. I stood there for a
minute, not doing anything. Then, the music started to get to me. I had heard
the familiar songs many times, whether it be from a radio or Elizabeth’s or
Marie’s worn-out old Hanson CD. And just as I started to get the slightest
trace of a smile on my face, (and not because it reminded me of my friends,
either!) Zac looked my way. When he saw me, he immediately screwed up. I
cracked a huge smile at him. And not one of my famous fake ones, either. This
one was real. He stared at me for a moment, but then, when he almost messed up
again, focused his full attention back to the concert. But I could tell there
would be more later. No matter how much later, there would be more.
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About an
hour after the concert, I was laying in my “bed” on the bus, flipping through a
magazine. I can’t recall now what. Most of the fans had cleared out, and I had
no earthly idea why we were still here, or why everyone else but Mom, Zoë and
Mack and Avie and I were still inside. I sighed. I was about to crawl out and
see what was really going on when someone pulled my little curtain back for me.
I was surprised to see Zac there. My brothers usually weren’t quiet in their
entrance to the bus after a concert.
His face
was still sweaty and red, and I could tell he was exhausted. But I could also
tell he had made a big effort to get in here to talk to me. Zac was one of
those people whose motto was, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
“Hi,” I
said, surprising myself with my velocity and sureness in greeting him.
“Hi,” he
said breathlessly. He took a swig from his water bottle before tossing it
across the aisle into his bunk. He climbed in and sat next to me.
“I’ve got
to talk to you,” he said.
“Okay,” I
said, a starting to feel very uncomfortable. He was my brother and all, and I
knew him real well because we had always been real good friends. But I had
hardly talked to him in three years. It was then I realized that the last three
years had been the biggest mistake of my life. And I was only 12.
“So…uh…whatcha
wanna talk about?” I said, suddenly breaking up from my reverie and looking up
at him.
“I know
something’s going on with you and Mom or Aunt Kate or something, I know
something’s wrong. I just don’t know what. All I know is it’s not good, and
it’s not helping this whole situation at all. Whatever it is, you need to fix
it.” I could feel the tears creeping up on me. The conversation with Aunt Kate
hours before I left replayed again and again in my mind. I looked up at Zac,
trying not to let the tears show. The anger I thought would be on his face
wasn’t there. There wasn’t a trace of it. There was only pity, sympathy and
compassion.
“Whaddya
mean?” I said, being as stupid as it was, it was all I could think of, and
seemed ridiculous since I was crying by now. He looked at me for a minute more.
“Come
on,” he said, scooting over next to me. “Come on, don’t cry. It can’t be that
bad.” I stopped crying long enough to look up at him and say, “But it is! The
last three years of my life have been a huge mistake! And I just messed it up
even more yesterday! There’s no way I could possibly fix everything I’ve done.
No way.” I shook my head and set it back down in my hands again.
“Besides,”
he said, “you didn’t screw anything up yesterday. I know you didn’t.” I know
you know, I thought, because three certain somebodies tell each other
everything.
“Yes I
did,” I said pitifully. “But just to let you know, the reason you don’t know is
because I screwed everything up before noon.” He frowned.
“What do
you mean?”
“It’s a
long story.”
“We have
all the way till Atlanta.” I sighed.
“Fine. But
you’re not getting any details.”
“Fine.”
Another
sigh.
“Well,
when I got up yesterday morning, I wasn’t in the greatest mood, if you know
what I mean.” He nodded. I think he was the only one in my family smart enough
that I didn’t really want to be here.
“So, when
I went to breakfast, Aunt Kate and I got in this big fight. I got mad and left.
I haven’t spoken to her since.” I left the rest of it out on purpose. All the
stuff I had said about how I didn’t like my family and how I eavesdropped on
Mom and Aunt Kate’s conversation. I looked up. His face was understanding, and
he was nodding.
“I
figured as much,” he said. For a minute, neither of us said anything.
“I’ll be
right back,” he said. I nodded and yawned. I was tired. He slipped out of my
bunk. I layed down and turned on my little TV. I was too tired to channel surf,
so I just left on the channel it was on. Almost as soon as my head hit the
pillow, I fell asleep.
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Zac’s point of view.
I had to
find Taylor. Or Isaac. I had told them both about how weird Jessie was acting.
And not just I-haven’t-lived-with-my-family-in-three-years-and-now-I-do weird.
Just weird. They were together, in the “living room.” Taylor was playing
Nintendo.
“Hey Zac,”
he said. “Will you play with me? Isaac the wimp won’t cuz he’s chicken.”
“Sure,” I
said. I picked up a controller and sat down next to Tay. A few minutes after we
started to play, I spoke up. I told them about how weird Jessie had been and
how I asked her about it and what she told me. I talked with them for almost
two hours, but didn’t realize until Mom came in and asked why we were still up.
I hadn’t even realized that we started moving. I brushed it off. We scattered
off to bed. When I went back to Jessica’s bunk, she was asleep.