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XVII: Changing My Ways
This chapter is dedicated to my cousin Sydney who waited
not-so-patiently for it. : )
I tried to be as quiet as possible as I pulled out plates and silverware. It was 6:00 in the morning. Everyone usually rolled out of bed about 6:30 so we could get moving. We were parked in the parking lot of some hotel. I don’t know. I had fallen asleep right after Zac left, but after sleeping for about an hour, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep until 4 in the morning. Even then, I woke up about an hour later. I was feeling so guilty. All I could think about was my mom’s conversation with Aunt Kate and how Zac talked to me. And how I hadn’t told him how sorry I was. Not really. So when I awoke to find that no one was awake, I got a great idea. I knew just how to surprise my family. I was going to make breakfast, which I was now doing. Then, since this was a pretty small, hickish suburb of Atlanta, where the concert was that night, but it was close enough that I could walk there tonight (and I think all the girls would be showing up here soon), I would go out. I had to get out for awhile. I had to sort out my thoughts. I had to figure out how to tell everyone, or at least Zac, how sorry I was. If I told him, he would tell Ike and Tay, and when they know something, the whole family’ll know in seconds. So that was my plan. As simple and risky as it was, I think it would work. Unless someone decided to roll out of bed early-Stop it, I told myself. Just follow the plan.
“There,”
I said softly as I laid the last fork in place. I stuck the food in out teensy
“oven” to keep it warm. I left out two jugs of milk to drink. Satisfied, I sat
down and pulled on my shoes and socks. I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper to
scribble a note on:
Hi everyone!
Good morning! I was a
little bored so I made some breakfast. I’m going out, but don’t worry, I’ll be
fine. I’ll be back by concert time. Have a great day!
Jessie
I left it tucked under one of the breakfast plates. I knew I would be safe. They would be in the same place, here, all day. They had rehearsals and stuff all day. They wouldn’t have time to look for me. I strapped my backpack, which I had supplied with the necessary materials earlier, on and with one last look and smile around the bus, I quietly opened the door and stepped into the cool early morning air.
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Once again, general, omniscient point of view.
Zac
rolled out of bed and yawned. He looked at his watch, which he was still
wearing from last night and sighed. 6:37.
He stumbled over to the mirror where he patted down his hair until it
looked decent. He walked sleepily into the kitchen. At first, everything looked
normal, but then he noticed the place settings at the table and he smelled the
food in the oven. Frowning, he walked over to the table. He hadn’t thought
anyone else was up. He noticed a small slip of paper slid under a plate. He
pulled it out and rubbed his eyes. Then he read out loud in a monotone voice:
“Hey everyone! I was a little bored so I made some breakfast. I’m going out,
but don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll be back by concert time. Have a great day!
Jessie.”
His
first thought was, “NOT GOOD!!” And as he turned around to inform
someone of this newfound problem, he ran into his mother, who was holding Zoë.
She looked confused. Very confused.
“Zachary,”
she said carefully and slowly, “what’s going on?”
First
thought at this point: “Uh-oh. She called me Zachary.”
Second thought: “Don’t call me that!”
She
gave him a brief, annoyed glance, but then her thoughts turned back to the more
important matter at hand.
“What
exactly is all of this?”
Shrug.
“Did
you have anything to do with it?”
Head
shake.
“What
is that?”
He
handed her the paper and she read it quickly. She shook her head and set the
paper down on the table.
“Goodness,
this can’t be good.” She opened the
oven and inspected the contents.
“Well,
at least she learned something from Kate,” his mother mumbled. He suspected,
though he wasn’t sure, that his mother resented his aunt for letting Jessie
stay with her that long, and that she regretted the decision to let her go
herself.
“Well,”
Zac said after a long, awkward silence, “what are we going to do?”
“Nothing
we can do,” his mother replied. “We don’t have time to look for her, even in
such a small town. We’ll just have to trust her and hope that she’s true to her
word and that she doesn’t get hurt. Besides, if we did end up going out there
and looking, she would resent us even more.”
His
mother’s last words surprised Zac. He had thought that the rest of the family
was clueless as to Jessica’s feelings to being here. Of course, he ended up
being wrong about things a lot of the time. He hoped that he was wrong about his
feelings about this.
“Zac,”
his mother said, “go get dressed. And get your brothers up. You have a shoot
across town in half an hour.”
“What
do I tell them about-?”
“The
truth. Just tell them the truth. And tell them to hurry or the food will get
cold.”
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Back to Jessica’s point of view.
I smiled and breathed in a breath of fresh air as I walked along
the sidewalk past a park. It felt so good to breath just fresh air. Not the
stale, hot air of the cramped tour bus--fresh air. Not the too-cold, thick air
of a photo shoot or teeny magazine headquarters—fresh air. Not the hot,
there-are-at-least-10,000-people-in-the-same-room-as-me air of a jam-packed
venue—fresh air.
Suddenly,
as she walked past the park, she stopped and turned toward the park. It was
empty, since it was 6:30 in the morning, and it looked inviting.
Jessica
remembered the last time she had been in a park. It was three years ago, the
day of Isaac’s birthday…
“I’m gonna find you Avery!!” I exclaimed as I prowled around all the equipment on the playground, searching for my little sister. My entire family and a few bodyguards were gathered in the park. It was Isaac’s birthday and they had taken the day off to have some fun. After gifts, cake, and all the other necessities for a birthday party, the Hanson entourage had divided into their own groups—Isaac and Taylor were busy discussing something at the picnic table covered with Isaac’s gifts, her mom and dad were busy trying to figure out how they were going to get all of the presents and things into the large van that would already be stuffed with people, Jason and a few of the other bodyguards were hovering close to Isaac and Taylor, but far enough away to give them space and having a conversation, about girls probably, Ashley was busy terrorizing innocent people with Dad’s ever-present video camera, and I was playing hide-and-go-seek with Zac, Avery, and Mackenzie. I think Zac had gotten forced into it. Something about a vase? I dunno. I was actually having quite a bit of fun. It had been awhile since I actually could say that I was actually having a lot of fun. Part of it was that, during Isaac’s makeshift birthday party, Mom and Dad had announced that we would be home for Christmas!! I was so excited. We hadn’t been home in…I don’t know. Too long. I would get to see all my friends, and we would have a normal Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa, and all our aunts and uncles and cousins…I couldn’t wait…
I heard a giggle coming from behind me and whipped around to catch Avery, who was running toward Isaac, who had been deemed “base”. I smiled and ran after her. Everything was going to be fine. This time next month I would be home…
“Yeah right,” I thought bitterly. I wiped the tears that had
somehow found their way down my face with the back of my hand and blinked a few
times before making a very spontaneous decision. I made my way to the entrance
gates of the park. I dropped my backpack carelessly on the sand that surrounded
the playground area and eagerly climbed up on the jungle gym. I found the
highest place and perched myself on the bar above the slide to watch the
sunrise. Today was a new day.
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Zac’s point of view.
Wake up my brothers. Great. This would take hours and
I would get in trouble because we were late, and it was all my fault because I
didn’t wake them up fast enough. At least I didn’t have to wake up Mackie. That
would be-“And wake up Mack and Avery, too, okay?” my mom called from the
kitchen. Greater. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to spend hours getting my
hair done like Taylor, or spend hours picking out clothes like Isaac. I could be
ready in five minutes. I grabbed some clothes and changed quickly in the
bathroom along with washing my face and brushing my hair back into a ponytail.
I padded barefoot over to where Isaac and Taylor’s bunks were located right
over mine.
I climbed up in my bunk and then pulled myself up so
I was standing on the floor of my bunk and facing Taylor’s, which was directly
above mine.
I pulled back his curtain to reveal him in what must
have been one of the funniest positions ever. It took all my willpower not to
laugh and I genuinely wished that for once, Dad was here so he could catch this
on tape.
He had kicked most of the blankets off in the middle
of the night and they were crumpled in a heap at the end of his bunk. He was
curled up in a tiny ball, cold, I suppose, from brutally kicking his blankets
to the end of the bed. His hair was a mess, and I knew it would take him hours
to “get it just right.” It was tangled in a big knot since he had left in a
messy ponytail the night before. It stuck up in all the wrong places, making
him look like one of the Barbies Avie had butchered. His mouth was open
slightly and he was drooling. It’s times like these that I wish there were fans
here. But still, I couldn’t just stand here and stare all day. I had to wake
him up.
“Taylor,” I whispered loudly in his ear. “Taylor,
wake up.” Nothing. I frowned and leaned back down again, but this time using my
normal voice. “Taylorrrrrrrrrrrrr! Wake up!” He stirred a little, but not much.
I sighed. This was too hard. I leaned down one more time, and screamed as loud
as I could, “TAYLOR!!” It got an immediate reaction. He bolted up and stared at
me. He blinked a few times and then shut his eyes and rubbed his head.
“God, Zac,” he said, looking up after a few minutes.
By now, I was laughing my head off. Did I say I didn’t
like waking up my brothers? I lied. I love waking up my brothers.
“What the hell was that all about?” Isaac said from
above, opening his curtain and sliding down to Taylor’s bunk where I was still
laughing and Tay was giving me the evil eye.
“Oooooh, Isaac said a bad word. But at least now I
don’t have to wake you up too. That would have been fun though.” I managed
through giggles. He rolled his eyes at me and said, “What the hell are you
doing, Zac?”
“Waking you up,” I said, crawling out of Taylor’s
bunk and heading for Mackenzie’s.
“And get ready!” I called after me. “We have a shoot
in half an hour!”
“Half an hour?!?” I heard Taylor exclaim. Then I
heard Isaac say some words that he shouldn’t have said and I won’t repeat as he
hurried up to his bunk to get ready. I laughed as I walked away.
When I ripped open Mackenzie’s curtain, I was amazed
to find that he was already wide awake and watching Rugrats on TV.
“Hey, Mack Attack,” I said, climbing in. “You gotta
get ready, we gotta go do a photo shoot.”
“Okay!” he exclaimed. For some reason, he thought
that photo shoots were fun. Don’t ask me.
“Can you get dressed by yourself?” I asked him. His
past attempts, well…
“Yes,” he said indignantly.
“Here,” I said, snatching him some clothes, “why don’t
you wear this?”
“Okay,” he said. “Now leave, I have to get dressed.”
I smiled and went to make sure Avie was up. Probably, she was an early bird and
usually the first one awake.
This morning, though, I found her sleeping. She
looked so cute and peaceful and sweet her blond hair spread out over the pillow,
I hated to wake her up, but I had too.
“Avery,” I said, shaking her softly. “Aves, wake up.”
She sighed a little and groaned a little, but eventually, she opened her eyes.
She blinked a few times and looked at me.
“Wake up, Avie,” I said. “We gotta be at a photo
shoot in thirty minutes. Do you need some help getting ready?”
“No, it’s okay,” she said, sitting up and stretching
and yawning again.
“Okay,” I said, smiling, “Don’t take too long though.”
“Okay,” she said.
I climbed out of her bunk and made my way towards the
kitchen. That hadn’t been too painful waking everyone up, but now I was hungry.
“Hey Dad,” I said, passing my dad and his cup of
coffee and newspaper on the way to the kitchen.
“Morning Zac. Are you ready?”
“Yep,” I replied quickly and walked into the kitchen,
getting myself some bacon and some pancakes.
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Jessica’s POV, later that night, about fifteen minutes before the concert begins.
I hummed to myself as I made my way to the concert
venue. I think that today had definitely been a good day. I had needed to get
away from all the people and all the craziness for awhile to sort my thoughts
out. I think the best thing I had done all day though, was go to that park. I
had avoided parks ever since I went to live with Aunt Kate. They made me think
of that day, and I didn’t like to think about that day very much. But today, I
had gone into that park ready to remember. And when I did remember, it hadn’t
been that bad. It had actually made me feel better. The sunrise had been
beautiful too. The rest of the day I reserved mostly for thinking. I thought
about all the decisions I had made in the last three years, particularly the
last week or so. So lots of them had sucked, but the others ones made up for
it, I think. And I realized that I don’t have to tell my family I’m sorry. I
can show them I’m sorry with my actions. And they probably already know I’m
sorry. Everybody makes mistakes.
I found myself in front of the venue, listening to the
screaming fans. I could hear chants of “Hanson! Hanson! Hanson!” Then they stopped and loud screams filled the air
as the opening strains of “Gimme Some Lovin’” filled the air. It was starting
already? I looked at my watch. Yep. 8:00 PM on the dot.
I stopped for a minute to dig the all-access pass Mom
had given last night out of my bad. I found it and pulled it over my ponytail.
I walked up to the guard whose back was to me and cleared my throat loudly.
“Yeah, do you have a pa-,” he started to say, but
quickly recognized me and opened the door for me.
“Thanks,” I said, stepping inside.
I wound my way through the backstage halls until I
found our dressing room. I opened the door and let out a sigh of relief when I
found no one there. I dropped my backpack next to the others in a heap on the
floor and headed for Taylor’s laptop on the card table in the corner. I booted
it up and logged onto the internet, clicking my way into my email. I clicked ‘Compose’.
Note: All email addresses are fake to the extent of my knowledge. Do not attempt to email them.
From: “Anna” < 2good2b4gotten@hotmail.com >
To: “Mom” < katelawyer@hotmail.com >
Subject: I’m sorry
Date: Saturday, July 5,
1998 20:11:34 CST
Dear Aunt Kate,
Today, I went for a walk. A
long walk. I realized something partially today, and partially the whole time I’ve
been here: You were right. I should be with my family and I shouldn’t have made
such a big deal about coming back. I’m really sorry for the way I acted and I
hope you can forgive me.
Love,
Jessie
PS. Tell Adriann and Lucile
and Elizabeth and Marie I said hi.
After I had sent my email
with fingers crossed and breath held, I realized that the entries in my address
book still read “Mom” and “Dad” instead of “Aunt Kate” and “Uncle Tom” and that
it still said it was from “Anna” instead of “Jessica”. I quickly made these
changes and disconnected from the internet and shut down the laptop. Then I
took a deep breath and opened the door to the dressing room. There was no one there,
no one near. I stepped out and made my way to the back-backstage area where I
could watch my brothers perform. I hadn’t seen my family all day today, and I
had planned it that way, but still, it was nice to see them again. I got to listen to Speechless, River, and Look
at You before it was time for the set change. Still, none of them or anyone
else had noticed me, but I had spotted my mom and Avery and Mack and Zoë down
in the sound booth. My dad was filming someone, somewhere with Ashley probably.
As my brothers ran off for
set change (and Ike probably so he could change his clothes) they noticed me.
“Jessie?” Taylor said, “where
have you been all day?”
I shrugged and smiled
mysteriously.
“Around.”
“Come on, guys!” We all
heard Mom’s voice from behind us and we all turned around.
“Jessica!” my mom said,
upon seeing me. “Where have you been? Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“Okay, you guys hurry and
get ready, you only have a few minutes left,” Mom said to my brothers. They
hurried off to get ready, but from the look on Zac’s face, I knew that we would
be having another post-concert conversation tonight.
“Come on, sweetie,” Mom
said, “we need to talk.” And she directed me towards one of the dressing rooms
as my brothers hurried back towards the stage (Isaac in a new outfit) to
satisfy the fans’ screams.